Day 66: The Question of Memory

It doesn't get much more glamourous than this. What? Jeans can be glamourous? Who knew (besides me)? The trick with making these pants pull fancy duty is keeping the rest of the outfit ultra shiny and even over-the-top. It helps that the jeans have a little sheen to them, too. Now, a word about the shawl. I have had so many women come into the store and ask me to find them a cardigan to go with their dress. After that first lady I helped, I have gotten into the habit of just immediately pointing them to the shawl area. The reaction is always, "Oh my God, that's perfect! Why didn't I think of that?"

So here's a word to the fashion wise: buy a shawl. But two even. It doesn't matter what color they are, though I would probably go for a neutral, single-toned one (black, beige, gray, etc) and a patterned one like above. They will keep you warm, add instant sophistication to your evening outfit, and won't break the bank. I would suggest pashmina, but cotton, cashmere, or any woven blends are good too. We'll call this ensemble, "My Symphony Jeans," after my father, who, bless his heart, jokes that if his rugged blue Levis are good enough in the garden, they're good enough to hear classical music.

To wrap up season five (it's a short one, thank God, because I have about twenty seasons and a movie to get through), Carrie visits San Francisco to promote her book and takes Samantha with her. There, Carrie meets Big and the two have some fun, but not before Big worriedly picks apart her entire book, embarrassed by how much he hurt her over the years. Back in New York, Carrie meets up with newly-single Berger at a wedding and wonders where it will go. Charlotte starts sleeping with Harry, her divorce lawyer, and finds herself falling for him despite his hairy back. He tells her his feelings are mutual, but he can't seriously date a non-Jew. Samantha throws a party at Richard's beach house and discovers she's still angry at him. Miranda and Steve hook up, and she can't figure out how she feels about it or him.

Lots going on here. I have to say that Harry's character is my favorite of the entire series, so I'm glad he's in the picture now. He's such a hoot and unapologetic about being so. For me, the most interesting issue here deals with how we experience and remember events. When Big confronts Carrie about why she is still interested in him after all he has done, Carrie says that it was all in the past and that half of it wasn't true but embellishment. In the end, I was left wondering, "How can these people have been in the same relationship and be on totally different pages?"

It made me think of my own perspective versus Hank's. Memory is subjective, of course. But then, what is truth and what is fiction? This relates somewhat to the last blog entry and the negative personality issue. How much of what we remember and think is due to our unique perception, which is based on everything from heredity and mood to blood sugar levels at the time of the event and the time of relating the event? How do relationships work at all, considering the two people have totally different perspectives? How can there be any agreement at all about what happened or what's happening?

When Hank and I disagree about a past event, we just can't come to see the other's point of view. We can try to convince the other that what they're thinking didn't really happen. But what's the use of that? I will still see a situation in my own way, no matter how Hank tries to change my perspective. And he'll see it in his way. The same holds true for remembering events. We each have our version of the story. Maybe all we can do when we disagree is respect the other's version of events and move on.

But it's not easy--especially when one person supposedly has a negative personality and the other person doesn't. It seems like so often in big blowouts, I fall into the habit of saying things like, "This has happened so many times before. It's not going to work. This is exactly what happened with ________, and it was a bad sign. Blah, blah, blah." And Hank counters that with, "That's not what happened last time. This doesn't mean anything bad. We're totally different than ________. Why are you so negative? Blah, blah, blah." Who's right and who needs to look at the situation differently? Can the two views work together to form a healthy perspective? Is that what a good union is all about?

I don't like that I remember the 'bad' things. I like to think I remember the good ones, too. But I do have an uncanny ability to analyze, and most of the time that includes being critical of whatever I'm analyzing. In relationship fights, that's the relationship. I also don't like that Hank always has to be the person who sees the 'good' things. It must be exhausting for him, and sometimes his positivity tires even me out. I would like to hear him say, just once, the simple words, "Hon, you're right. We have a problem here." Because sometimes we do.

And sometimes we don't. I guess I need to learn to see more than just the negative, learn to be more supportive than critical. In the end, it is a choice. There is always that moment where you could go either way--towards the relationship or away from it. At those times, maybe it takes a powerful desire to conjure up the good memories, the pros instead of the cons, so you can get through the moment that feels like a con, even though it maybe isn't. That's hard work for me. I get carried away in the moment. There are so many mornings I wake up and wonder why the hell I threw such a fuss the night before. I need to stop running away, and Hank needs to stop running after me. He needs to develop his critiquing skills, and I need to calm mine and maybe use them for something else.

I realize this is a lot of rambling, and I also know it is a lot of divulging. At least it feels that way. But that's life. It's too short not to think about it all, and it's too short to dwell too long on anything. The answer, like always, probably lies somewhere in the middle.

I hope you'll be back. I will.