Day 65: A Critical Review

Since I recently wore my new black skinnies and am obsessed with their versatility and coolness, I've decided to use them for the next few outfits. Watch as we go from day to night and from super casual to sleek and chic. The fashion challenge is on. Here, we have a casual day look. We're pairing the jeans with a traditional cardigan worn buttoned up as a shirt, no need for a cami. Countering the primness of the cardi is the rocker-like accessories. Instead of a formal wristwatch, we have a starfish cocktail ring. Instead of a conservative Coach handbag, we have an edgy black leather number with hardware. The flats also work to keep the ensemble looking carefree (they're next on my must-have list). The effect is studious and sophisticated without being snobbish, though I'm actually not sure you could make black skinnies snobbish if you tried. We'll call this outfit, "Study, Shmuddy."

I cannot believe I haven't posted for a week and a half. My sister was visiting, and I just couldn't bring myself to take time away from hanging out with her to write. Shopping, eating, and chatting were so much more fun. Even if I had wanted to post, it didn't seem in the cards. We were gone for three days to North Carolina for the wedding of my favorite cousin. At the reception, I decided after three and a half glasses of wine that it would be fun to jump and dance in 3-inch heels. At the time it was fine. But my back was so messed up the next morning, I was unable to get out of bed without extreme effort. I actually had tears involuntarily running down my face. So I have been taking twice daily baths for the past few days, and only today has sitting and typing really been doable, though still not comfortable. So I have some catching up to do.

The truth is even before my sister arrived, I had also been having a crisis of motivation. When you're around clothes all day and constantly chatting with your female coworkers, it turns out the last thing you really want to do is come home and pick an outfit and talk (or write) about feelings. Instead, you want a bottle of wine and a bubble bath and to talk to no one. But I have committed to this project, and, by damn, I will see it through. Besides, it's kinda nice to write, once you get going...

Here's the lowdown on the last two episodes. Carrie throws a book release party and attends it without a date. She realizes she's lonely. When the New York Times gives her a rave review, she focusses on the reviewer's one possibly negative comment (that she tosses out men) and wonders why she can't let it go. Samantha takes a shot at babysitting. When Brady's vibrating chair breaks down and he starts wailing, she improvises by setting her new sex toy next to him. It works, though Miranda is mortified. Meanwhile, Miranda's date with an old flame gets interrupted by her constantly crying child, and the new mom realizes how different her life has become. Charlotte takes her mother-in-law to court and wins the house fair and square.

Hank has a theory that I have a negative personality. Since my mother also has this theory, I have begun to seriously consider that it's true. According to Hank, there are certain characteristics of these types that I exhibit. They are as follows:

1. They often remember the bad things about past situations and rarely the good.

2. They think everything is about them.

3. They worry and overanalyze and feel anxious a lot.

Actually, I may have added the last one. It sounds right. He told me many more, but those are the ones that stick out. I don't know if he's right or not. Recently, we went to an exhibit that talked about optimism versus pessimism and the whole glass analogy (which I've never really bought). I looked at the glass for the millionth time in my life and said to Hank, "What if you look at it and think, 'It's only half full?' Does that make you an optimist or a pessimist?"

Either way, in light my work day today and these episodes, I'm inclined to think he's onto something with the personality thing. The day was pretty much like any other, but at the end of it I wanted to disappear. It seemed like miscommunications were happening everywhere, and at every moment I believed I was somehow making a mistake. If my manager looked at me funny, I thought she must be thinking I was doing a horrible job. If a coworker made a joking remark, I took it seriously. Normally, though I am not a laid back person, I like to think I'm able to get perspective a little easier than today. Today, I just took it all personally and stewed.

But maybe that's a more regular thing than I like to admit. I am often tip-toeing around people so they won't be upset at anything I'm doing (number 3). I worry a lot about what people (especially authority figures) are thinking and usually assume the worst (also number 3). When something goes wrong or someone is upset, I immediately think it was my fault and apologize for my perceived part, usually resulting in the person telling me she or he isn't upset with me at all (number 2). And I remember every detail of an interaction, usually focussing the parts that I didn't think went well and replaying them over and over again (number 1).

Like most people, I want to be liked. I am a perfectionist. I want perfect reviews from everyone. Only when I decide I don't like someone do I stop caring about their opinion. But that is rare. I usually like people enough to care what they think, which makes me very social but very anxious and neurotic. People-pleasing is risky business.

In fact, after today, I think I may just make a conscious effort to relax and tell my mind to shut up when it starts creating fantasy scenarios. My manager recently told me that "worrying is a waste of imagination," and that phrase has stuck. I think imagination is a huge driving force of anxiety. You can think off all the possibilities, so you do. What else is going to keep your mind busy? But that's just it. Anxiety takes a lot of mental energy--energy that could be used to learn your job better, think about future goals and dreams, plan trips, and listen to what people around you are saying. It's hard to do any of those things when your mind is whirring with analysis and worry.

I think opinions are important, because I like to think my opinion is important. If mine is, other peoples' must be too. Maybe Carrie does drop men. Maybe she doesn't. That's for her to decide and figure out if she wants to change, but not because some reviewer told her to. In the end, you can't live for other peoples' opinions. I know I'm not the first to say it, but I'm saying it anyway. You can't have peace trying to make everyone happy. You may get promoted, and you may be thought of as endearing. You may have lots of friends. But you will be really, really tired. And you'll always feel like you're going to drop one of the thousand mental balls you're juggling. Take my word for it.

So why not just juggle the balls you want and purposely drop the rest, maybe even make room for some more meaningful ones? I'm going to try it and get back to you.

Until then, I hope you'll be back. I will.