Day 35: Deal or No Deal

I'm not crazy about this outfit. I love certain things about it--both the shoes and the bag are now on my lust list (of course I have one)--but the ensemble is pretty conservative and not that interesting. It's not supposed to be. Since I'm starting a new job soon (training begins next week), I need to start focussing my clothing combining (and shopping) efforts on work-appropriate staples. For a person who lives primarily in jeans, you can imagine the stress this is causing. Anyway, this fits the bill, while still allowing for some personality. Wear the top and buttons of the cardigan open, and belt it. Because four of the pieces are from J. Crew, and because I'm feeling a little feisty, I'm calling it "Oh yeah? J. Crew You."

I have been out of town for two days. That's no excuse for not writing, since I have also been back in town now for two days. Because my posts are getting more sporadic, and I am thus getting a little scared about making the deadline, I'm going to be posting daily for a while. That's good news for those of you who read religiously and bad news for the rest of you schmucks.

“He raped my face. I’m never seeing him again.” Charlotte

Deal breakers. That's today's subject. Charlotte dates a bad kisser and dumps him after failing to teach him a better smooching style. Carrie develops a crush on Aidan, an up-and-coming furniture designer. Their first date goes great, until he tells her he can’t date a smoker. She decides it’s time to quit. Miranda comes face to face with Steve’s other love: basketball. He gets picked to shoot a half-court shot for $1 million bucks and doesn’t appreciate Miranda’s lack of excitement. He says he needs her to believe in him more—and them in general--if it’s going to work. To voice her support, Miranda shows up for his practice and cheers him on. Samantha dates a black guy whose sister doesn’t approve. After he refuses to stand up to his sister, Samantha decides her deal breaker is backing down to bullying family members.

After watching this episode, I tried to make a mental list of my big no-nos. I don’t think I’ve been picky enough in my life, because I couldn’t think of many. Being an alcoholic, treating your family like shit, and being in a cult-like organization should be reasons to leave someone. Unfortunately, they've never been for me. I guess my biggest criteria was always that the guy be smart and nice, and I was pretty liberal with those label. I've also probably given up on truly nice men for stupid reasons, like he was obsessed with the state of Hawaii (true story) or I had to correct his grammar.

But even beyond the little stuff, though, before Hank, something always made me leave. Here's my attempted breakdown of the WHYs. This is as much for me as it is for you. Actually, it's not for you at all. I'm sorry about that.

John: First real boyfriend. High school. Although he drank too much, chewed, and made occasional derogatory remarks about womens’ abilities, the reason I dumped him was a combination of the following factors: he cheated on me, I wanted more romantic experiences, and I decided there was no way I was going to a state school for college (famous last words). But the deal breaker was the cheating.

Brad (the first time): He cheated, and I cheated. As if one deal breaker weren't enough.

Arnold: It wasn’t the puss-exuding acne. It wasn’t that he was terminally ill, unemployed, obsessed with Korean yoga, or lived with his mother (who hated me). It wasn't that he wanted me to skip out of my semester abroad in Vienna (which I will never forgive him for) and quit school to go to doctor's appointments with him "if I really loved him." It wasn't even that he asked me to marry him within a month and wanted to wait until marriage to sleep together (eek). Neither was it that he immediately postponed the wedding, because he said he eventually wanted to experience a same-sex relationship. No, it was none of these. It was all of these. Deal breaker: self-centeredness (though bad acne doesn't help).

Travis: This one is harder. I cheated. Though that wasn’t a deal breaker for him, it was for me. I figured if I wasn't excited enough to be with him--if I didn't really fear losing him--than it wasn't worth trying to build back the trust. In fact, sometimes I think I cheated just as a way to end things. I couldn't find a reason to let go otherwise. He was smart, committed, respected his family, and was cute in a Charlie Brown kind of way. He didn’t have any glaring issues. We had similar interests, and we got along well. But I didn't love him, at least not enough. I didn’t want to plan my life with him. I didn't even like when he held my hand. Deal breaker: not being in love (and you know when you are). To me, it may just be the most important thing—the thing that makes all the crap of relationships worth it.

Dr. H: I haven't mentioned him before. He was my second piano professor in college. What started as a very benign, working friendship grew into something much more. During lessons, he would tell me how wonderful I was and that he loved me, all while blushing. He talked to me about his personal life and asked for my advice. When I realized I was falling for him, I told him my feelings (to which he said, "I hear ya.") and that I had to leave. I stopped lessons with him and started with another professor, but those feelings remained for a while. Eventually I came to see that he had violated professional boundaries. In fact, he was really just a sleezeball with a charming and sensitive side and had played on my vulnerability and adoration. But none of that mattered anymore. It wasn't why I didn't pursue him at the time. It also wasn't because he was a professor. Deal breaker: he was married.

Bobby: He smoked. He was an alcoholic and spent much of our money on vodka. He occasionally did cocaine. When we fought, he would criticize my fashion sense (the nerve) and tell me I wasn’t that pretty. He was a jerk to his family. Though he broke up with me first (to this day, I think I was under a black magic spell), he later begged me to get back together. I said no. Why? He was willing to let me go the first time, and I had met someone else. He had also come to my house one week earlier, knife in hand, to drop off pictures of us that he had smashed, threatening to kill the other guy if he saw him. It made the choice between them really easy. Deal breaker: Violence.

Jorge: He was quiet, sensitive, caring, and was fluent in three languages. We laughed a lot together. He loved his family and let them know. We liked similar movies, music, and books. He was a genuinely "nice" person. But I wasn't that attracted to him. He had long hair that got greasy sometimes, and he didn't floss, which consequently made his mouth a valley of cavities. He didn't see a problem with it. I hated that I did. He also didn't really like having sex. He said he just wasn't sexual. I was, but found myself backing away. Who knows what started it all. We kept fighting more and more, and neither of us wanted to move to each others' countries to make it work. He had his ambitions (to work in Argentina and later move to Canada), and I had mine (to finish school in Montana). We were always more like brother and sister--or just friends--and that's not good enough. I loved him as a person, but it wasn't enough. Deal breaker: lack of sexual attraction.

And that's it. Of course, there are a million little deal breakers I'm sure I have and don't even know it. The biggest thing this all shows me? That old saying is true: "If you don't love someone, the way he holds his fork will drive you crazy. If you love him, he could drop his spaghetti in your lap, and you wouldn't mind." And so it goes.

I hope you'll be back (tomorrow). I will.