Day 34: The Other Side

Black tunics are one of God's gifts to women. I bought one like this at a Christmas sale and have worn it on at least ten occasions since. Combining ease, flattery, and comfort, it's perfect for everything from running errands to doing laundry. It has become my go-to item when I'm faced with a quick decision of what to wear, especially around the house, where I've been a lot the past few months. The combo of the scarf and necklace is one of my current loves. I don't know if it conforms to fashion rules or not, but I don't care. I think it looks grand. For this reason, I'm calling this outfit, "To Scarf or Not to Scarf?" It applies to eating the flourless chocolate cake I made Hank for Valentine's Day, too.

It's funny what being newly employed can do to a person's psyche. This week feels like the week after college final exams: there's no longer any pressure, but there's also not much motivation to move my ass. The day after accepting the FT job offer from the department store, I basked in the glory of not having to feel guilty for the half of each day I was writing, "researching" (browsing online sites for photos), walking Bela, and going to lunch with friends. "Finally," I thought with delight, "I have a whole week to do what I want." I envisioned finishing my book, potting our plants, and taking old clothes to the thrift store. I imagined having time and energy to do my taxes for a whole day sans stress.

And what did I do this morning? I took a leisurely shower and cleaned the kitchen. When I finished, it was noon. Half of one of my days was gone and I hadn't accomplished anything on my list! It seems that having more time to do things isn't necessarily a good thing. But I'm resolved to kick myself into high gear this afternoon.

"I'm a tri-sexual. I'll try anything once." Samantha

"Jeez, Miranda, it's like you're the guy sometimes." Steve

Today's episode concerns bisexuality and gender. Carrie dates a younger guy who plays for both teams and introduces her to his equally liberal friends. They play spin the bottle at a party, and Carrie ends up kissing a girl. She leaves the group and her date after realizing she'll never fit in in Bi Land. Charlotte gets in touch with her inner masculinity when she poses as a man for a up-and-coming artist who believes gender is an illusion. Miranda and Steve run into problems when Steve suggests that he move in. Miranda feels suffocated and scared and wonders why. Carrie comes up with a theory that in every relationship, one person is the alpha dog, and Miranda's it. Unwilling to lose the man she loves, Miranda decides to accept her nature and move forward with Steve by having him move in. Samantha fights a gender battle with her new assistant, who seems to think he's boss. She fires him, and the two take their intensity to the bedroom.

Growing up in conservative, rural Montana, I was taught that there were gay people (who I had never seen) and normal people. The term "bisexual" wasn't even in my vocabulary. You were supposed to be nice to gay people (if you ever met them), but that didn't mean that you had to understand or agree with them. However, I also came from a household where the woman made almost as much money as the man (now she makes more), and the man wrote amazing poetry. After years of worldly experience, I have come to the grand and definitive conclusion that sexuality is not easily defined--perhaps not even definable at all--and that my childhood lessons were a bunch of crap. There's no normal. I have also developed a strong appreciation for powerful women and sensitive guys.

One summer during college, I lived with family friends, Bert and Gloria, in Seattle while I attended classes. Gloria had been in a relationship with a woman for eleven years before marrying Bert. They had one of the healthiest marriages I knew. One day, we got to talking about Gloria's history. They said they saw sexuality as a continuum, on which everyone falls somewhere--some maybe more homosexual, some more heterosexual, others more in the middle. Bert said that though he had only been with women, he had wondered at times what it would be like to be with a man.

Their theory blew my mind. Could it really be that there didn't have to be definite labels? Were some people simply more curious or sexual than others? Shortly after my discussion with Bert and Gloria, I met Arnold, now my ex-fiance, who said he had also always wanted to try same-sex sex, even though he didn't consider himself bisexual. Last year, a ex-coworker mentioned that she always had boyfriends and girlfriends at the same time, because they served different purposes. Uultimately, though, she wanted to marry a man. She didn't consider herself bisexual, either, just sexual.

Sexuality is complicated, whether we like it or not. Once, after drinking too much and getting high for the only time in my life, I kissed a gay male friend, and we both enjoyed it. He said he would probably even sleep with me (we didn't), even though he said he was definitely gay. How do you even try to explain that?

A friend recently told me that in Native American culture, there is such thing as a two-spirit person--a berdache--somebody who embodies both genders by choosing to be a "third gender." Historically, these people took on work and traits of both females and males, though they were physically either one or the other. Apparently, sometimes this included homosexuality, but not always.

I know men who like fashion even more than I do, who aren't gay. Well, that's not really true. But it could be. I also know women who have bad tempers (guilty), are afraid of commitment (guilty), suck at cooking (okay, not guilty), and cry less than their husbands (again, no, though I'm no sissy, either). And that is true.

For me, it's just easier to take a liberal stance that says each person has his or her own truth and experience of life, and this applies to both sexuality and gender. People express themselves differently, and while there may be some general scientific truths regarding gender and sexuality--women usually have more estrogen than men, and some children are attracted to the same sex at a very early age--much cannot be explained. I think accepting this is easier than trying to form a sexual philosophy that's not encompassing enough. What good would it do anyway?

I hope you'll be back. I will.