Day 55: Compromising Compromise

What rockin jeans these are. I like the idea of dressing in all black, though I'm not sure I've ever done it. I'm not sure why really. It just never occurs to me when I'm getting dressed. I also don't own black jeans, and black slacks seem way too formal for having fun. And a black dress doesn't really count as dressing in all black. It's just a black dress. So I had better add black jeans to that ever-growing list I have going. I also love the look of nude shoes with dark clothing--well, nude shoes in general. I think they are incredibly sexy. Ones with sparkles? Even better. We'll call this one, "Anything But Basic."

So, I've been a little MIA lately. The store opened. The last time I posted was after one of our busy nights. Since then, I have switched over the morning shift, getting up at 5 and being to work by 6:30. Next week, I'll have to be there at 6. Yippee. Actually I have found the opening shift to be infinitely better than the closing one. During the latter, I nearly had a breakdown, as you read about. When I open, I don't. It may just be as simple as that. I think it's that I've already been working for four hours--half of my day--by the time customers walk in the door. While there are tons of things to do in preparation for 10:00, they don't involve explaining to the 10th customer in a day why the line is so long and saying thank you very much for being so patient. But I also get to interact with people--and before their work day is done and they decide to shop till they (or we) drop. The traffic is usually manageable and nobody's hungry. It's the little things, after all.

"A squirrel is just a rat with a better outfit." Carrie

Okay, SATC. The next two episodes deal with two big issues. The first is asking for and accepting help. The second is compromising. For independent, headstrong women, it is not surprising these are big issues. Miranda's mother dies, leaving her feeling alone and embarrassed to ask for emotional support. Carrie's computer crashes, erasing all her previous columns. Aidan buys her a new computer and a back up hard drive, but Carrie has a hard time accepting that she needs it. Later, they go to Aidan's cabin in the country, even though Carrie hates leaving the city. She decides they can compromise by spending some weekends in Manhattan and others fighting bugs and squirrels. Charlotte and Trey continue to try for a baby.

Both of these issues are interesting, and really they aren't that different from each other. When a person is independent and has a hard time asking for help, the independence also makes him or her less interested in compromising. So really the issue is independence. How much is too much?

Here's where I get to talk about my dear mother. Perhaps one of the most endearingly in-your-face independent women I know, she can silence someone with a stare and get people to do almost anything she tells them to. Though my dad always made the big decisions when I was growing up, my mom slowly emerged as the power behind the wheel--literally. She was the one who sped down the highway and argued her way out of tickets. She did what she wanted when she wanted, which included everything from having children to hitting a garage sale. When she and my dad had been married for about five years, she said to him one day, "I'm ready. Let's do it. And I want three girls." Of course, being the woman she is, she got them.

Now, I am very, very proud of my mother's independence. And I am glad I inherited it. She went to medical school at a time when many women were still afraid of being too "masculine" by working outside of the home. She defied her family by marrying my dad, a country boy with no east coast family ties and no money. She wasn't afraid to ask men, including my father, out first. Above all, she rarely takes shit from anyone. I am glad she instilled in me and my sisters a healthy dose of feistiness and mistrust of authority, and the expectation that we are just as good (she would say better) than just about anyone.

The good news is that she raised natural leaders. The bad news is that, naturally, some real-world problems arise with this kind of woman as your role model. Well, they aren't problems so much as obstacles. The first is a tendency to not respect your superiors in work situations, especially when they have less education than you and when you can do their job equally well. At least you believe you can because of what your dear mother taught you (and because you were History Graduate of the Year). Yes, when you see flaws in a system, you have a very hard time keeping your mouth shut about them. That can be bad. I bite my tongue every single day of work.

And speaking of keeping your mouth shut, a certain degree of self righteousness pervades my relationships at least in part due to my upbringing. My mom earned her paycheck just as much as my dad earned his, and she always felt she had the "right" to spend it on whatever she wanted, even if it was more than she could afford. I would have no idea about this problem at all. April fools.

Seriously, the issue of independence has come up so much in my romantic unions, that it causes me to wonder sometimes whether I am even capable of compromise. It's like I get in a zone where I can only see why I deserve what I deserve and how I am capable of working for it all myself thank you very much. You (whoever that is), in fact, have done nothing at all to help me get to where I am right now, and I would probably be better off without you. In fact, maybe I should be without you, since all my ideas are clearly better than yours and I know what's best for both of us. What do I need you for, really? Problematic? Nah.

My mother is not the first nor last independent woman out there. (Heck, she has us, her three daughters.) Actually there are bunches of us. And the funny thing is, in the end, what my dad says goes. When we were little, if he didn't want us to go to a party, we didn't go. Now, if he wants to sell the car, they sell the car. My mom may put up a fuss, but she will lose. And she knows it. My dad may not fight for much, but when he fights, he fights to win. I am somewhat similar. I don't want to compromise (let's face it, who does?), but if the person on the other end is strong enough, I will. After all, I have moved a lot for boyfriends and have made a lot of personal sacrifices to keep relationships going (which is not saying that I liked doing it). But it's almost like I have to be forced into submission.

So considering I am an alpha female with at least a semi-beta male (sorry, Hank, but you know it's true), what does compromise look like? Well, maybe it's letting Hank pick every other movie, which we started doing a few months ago, and I mean really picking, as in I have no say in the matter. It sounds ridiculous that I wouldn't do this already, but you have no idea how convincing and cute I can be when I want my way. Usually men just capitulate. Only when Hank told me how hurt he was that I rarely asked what he really wanted to see that I realized I was neglecting his needs in the relationship and that I better listen up. As a result, I've been watching a lot of war movies lately. If you need suggestions, let me know.

However, there is a fine line to compromise. I don't want to over-compromise, because that would be BAD (at least that is what that piercing little voice inside of me says). Hank is pretty convincing too, especially since I started giving in a little. So I have to harden myself against feeling sorry for him enough to do everything he wants. Maybe this is a normal dynamic in relationships, maybe not. But it's how ours works. When people realize how they can get what they want, they usually do more of it.

For example, yesterday Hank was upset at me for planning a girls night out with some coworker friends on Saturday, "the only day" this week we could have date night. He failed to take responsibility for being gone for the last four nights of his spring break, which he spent drinking with his school friends, and for already having plans with two other friends the night he got back, even though it was the night before I had a day off (tonight, actually). It was a war of wills last night, to say the least. Ultimately, Hank said he just wanted me to think of him more, and I said the same. We agreed to try. We figured it was the best we could do.

Compromise is hard. The lack of it causes warfare on small and large scales every day. No one wants to give up on what they believe is right or fair. But compromise isn't impossible, and sometimes (most of the time) it's preferable to fighting. I don't know how you know when you're compromising too much--when you're compromising your beliefs to a degree that makes you a pushover. I would like to say that you can never reach this point--that it's best to try avoid conflict--but I can't. I believe there does come a point when you need to stand up for your truth even if you're the only one standing and refuse to compromise. It's just really hard to know when that point is with anything--a job, a relationship, a political alliance. In the meantime, if you're not sure, perhaps it's best to just give a little and see how it feels, especially when you really care for the person/people on the other side (or care about keeping your job). It keeps the peace, encourages further discussion, and sometimes, it's just the best you can do.

I hope you'll be back. I will.