I love that this tank can function as a party top or as a vest over just about anything. The skirt, shoes, and skirt come from J. Crew. The Michael Kors bag (my current lust, since the LV one is completely unattainable for now) is a great addition; I love a neutral-colored bag for spring/summer. We'll call this one, "Shiny on the Inside and Out."
It's 12:40 am. This work schedule has me coming home at 11 pm. I'm so high on music, caffeine (from dinner, to get me through the evening), and adrenaline from working in such a go-go-go environment that I can't even begin to settle down until now. Plus, Hank is gone on a ski trip, so I'm back to my old night owl ways. Calming down tonight has been especially difficult since one of my co-workers pissed me off by saying negative things about the job I and another coworker have been doing, even though our managers have been telling us just the opposite. I ignored her first five or so comments and called her on the next, saying that if she had a problem with me and the job I was doing, she could take it up with our manager. That shut her up. Though I have an internal feistiness, I really don't like confrontation (does anyone?), and my pulse has been racing since that conversation. I even had a beer and watched an episode of SATC when I came home to no avail. So I'm sitting here with Bela and Sophia, a dog I'm watching for a friend, one on either side, both drifting off to sleep. And I can think of nothing to do but write.
In the last episode, Aidan and Carrie got back together. I'm sure other things happened, but I can't remember them. I don't think they were that important. The big question was, "Do actions speak louder than words, especially in relationships?"
I know I have to be writing more, and I know that I won't finish before the movie comes out. There is a sadness in this, even though my goal is such a silly one. I had a project--a long-term aspiration--and I'm not going to be able to meet it as is. So maybe I have to revise. Maybe the new plan will be to write about every two episodes. I don't want to do this, but otherwise I'm afraid it will take me another six months to get to the end. So let's just say that's the new plan. I'll write about every two and just pick the most intriguing subject.
Okay then, the next episode deals with forgiveness. Can we ever really forgive if we can't forget? After hearing Big leave a message on Carrie's machine, Aidan in effect tortures Carrie by acting passive-aggressively and flirting with cute women. Carrie calls him on it, and he asks her never to see Big again or even talk to him. She says she can't do that, but that she will never cheat on him again. They call a truce. Charlotte quits her job to be a stay-at-home mom, even though she's not yet pregnant.
Today got me thinking about career moves and personality more than anything. I'll be honest, I always thought I would have a high-powered career and be making good money and achieving important things by the time I was 28. After all, a good friend told me in high school that I was the most Type-A personality person she knew. I got great grades and in general people liked me. All of my teachers have always thought I would be really successful. I have a way of leading people to action, and I figured that would make me even a better candidate for success.
However, as the years go by, I realize that I have spent more time forming relationships than anything. That has always been more important to me than getting ahead or even proving myself to superiors. I may have the skills and brain power to do well, but I lack a little in the ambition department--at least I have until now.
Maybe it was seeing an episode about a woman quitting her job to "lead a quiet life." It renewed a fear in me that's always been there--that I would wither away into a passive female who doesn't cause waves and just does what's "right' (not only that, she teaches her kids too), even if she doesn't really know, in her heart of hearts, what right is. Maybe it was the experience today, of coming face to face with myself again and seeing for the umpteenth time that I am not okay with taking flack from anyone, especially if that person has no more power than I. I am just not that person who stands quietly by and watches. I am the person who speaks for that person when she or he has no voice. And I am proud of that. But it has its costs--like not really being able to slip by unnoticed and not being able to not take action when it's needed. So I better use my spunk for something good.
I don't know what all of this means. I know it means something. I'll keep you updated. I am so tired of feeling on the verge of discovering or creating my meaning in life only to feel like it's not quite clear yet. When does it become clear?
Well, I'm finally getting tired. Heavy self-analysis at 1 am will do that to you. Plus the dogs just look so peaceful. By the way, as for Aidan and Carrie getting back together, I have no comment (for once--this is a big moment). It seems ridiculously hard, but hey, if they want to put the work into the relationship, who am I to say that's good or bad? After all, we all have to put work in, and there's no book telling us when the work is too much or not going to be worth it in the end. That's the hard part about life: you can think and analyze and wonder all you want, but sooner or later, you just have to take action, place your bet, and let the chips fall where they may. It's the only way to really know about anything.
I hope you'll be back (in two episodes). I will. And hopefully with more sleep.
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