Day 41: A Brief Affair

A woman at work is wearing tiny, layered necklaces, and it looks grand. You really can't have too many--just make sure they're different lengths. These, along with the capri pants and t-shirt work to soften the military vest. This vest was the first piece in my virtual wardrobe, and I still love it. (Go Modcloth.com!) I also adore the purse--such a subtle plaid that can go with nearly any casual outfit. Since I seem to be having an affair of my own with stripes, I'm calling this one, "There's Something About Stripes."

Just when we thought we'd have to yank Carrie from her indecisive craze, fate does it for us. After weeks of meeting Big at seedy hotels to avoid recognition, Carrie decides to meet him at home while Natasha is away. Of course, Natasha comes home early to find Carrie in the house, and it's all over. Samantha gets an HIV test for the first time, and the test comes back negative. Miranda becomes attracted to a guy dressed in a sandwich costume, blaming it on the fact that he's "dangerous or something," because she can't see his face. Charlotte comes dangerously close to a bride-to-be breakdown--until she hires an amazing personal stylist to help her pick out a dress.

"We're so over, we need a new word for over." Carrie

"You think about what would happen to you if she found out. You don't think about her...you don't know anything about her." Charlotte (funny that I said almost exactly this about myself last post...I didn't watch ahead, I swear.)

I have been almost scared to write these days for fear of infusing this blog with nothing but negativity. You know it's bad when your boyfriend makes a public comment about you not seeming happy with him. Oops. At first, I didn't even understand what I had said that could make him think that, but I guess all the talk of indecisiveness in relationships got him worried. I had to explain to him that I feel sad for the collective plight of us all, not my situation in particular. He understood. But, he said, it still didn't seem like I was happy.

Happiness...that ever elusive thing we all strive to attain. I started thinking about how we all both try to make ourselves happy and also, at times, prevent our own happiness--at least long term. We do things that we aren't proud of, and we're hard on ourselves when it's not necessary. Just today at my first day of work (I cannot feel my feet, for the record, and told Hank I'd pay him to do the grocery shopping tonight), I made a minor error in front of my manager. When she left, I shook my head and berated myself over what I had done. Then, in light of my thinking about happiness, I decided to forget about it. Instead of obsessing or feeling like I had to make up for it, I just consciously decided to let it go. Three hours later, I couldn't even remember what I had done.

We do all have the power to make ourselves happy. When Hank asked, "What can I do to help you be happy?" I said nothing, because it was true. I couldn't think of a single thing he could do differently or better. It was up to me to be satisfied with all that I had and not worry about the future. That wasn't his job.

So in light of this happy talk, on to affairs. I thought about it and came up with the 98% unlikelihood of anything positive coming from an affair. There is no best case scenario, only hurt. If no one ever finds out, you live with guilt. If your partner finds out and stays with you, he won't trust you. If he leaves you, you're alone. If your lover divorces/breaks up with his partner and gets with you, you won't trust him entirely. If he stays married, you are alone or living a double life. Really, besides all the obvious moral reasons not to have an affair, it really is a logically lose-lose situation. All this time I've been worrying about how to judge Carrie, how to think about someone who's having an affair, how wrong it is, how difficult love decisions are, etc. But even the cold, hard facts point to just saying no.

Somehow realizing that put me in a much better mood and made me a bit more pitying of Carrie and Big. After all, though Carrie loves to play the victim, she is the one who has been turning Big down on his offers to leave Natasha. Big confessed his love and devotion for Carrie, but she did nothing in return. And I don't blame her. After all, how good is his word, anyway? Lose-lose. And that's the point. Once trust is broken, it doesn't come back, not really. Armed with that knowledge, we're all free to do as we please.

So, I'm cutting this short to soak my feet and zone out with some peaceful music until Hank comes home, groceries in hand. Man, I'm a lucky woman. Tomorrow is another day and, finally, another dollar.

I hope you'll be back. I will.