This borders on Emo, but I think the patterns, the relaxed coat, and sexy necklace save it. I thought about adding a bright jacket, but that just seemed cliche. Then I decided to do as much with just black and white as fashionably possible. We're going to call this one "Black to Basics"--horrible, I know, but oh well.
I am not feeling much like writing today. Sometimes I feel such a surge of energy from thinking about relationship issues and questions about love that I can't wait to get back to this blog and spin out all my ideas. Today, I'm not feeling that. I just feel tired. Maybe it's because Hank and I have fought for two nights in a row, first about money, then about something really stupid. We've been getting home (him from school, me from Starbucks) around 7, when we're both hungry and tired. Who knew you could get tired sitting at a computer and doing errands and house stuff all day, every day? I'm here to tell you not only that you can, but it's not a good tired. It's a restless, defeated tired. I've pulled all-night study sessions, prepared for countless music recitals, and worked my ass off in a flower shop on Valentine's Day. Nothing compares to how tired you get from doing nothing.
That said, I am going to post, because I have to. But first, here's what's happening on the employment front. I have been spending more time on each job application/submission, often putting in two hours or more responding to one Craig's List ad. I've also been getting pickier, as I've said. A fearsome thought was born in me a few days ago. Say I get a job as a receptionist in a medical office, as a gas station attendant, or as a waitress (all worst case scenarios). Fine. It pays the bills. But then what? In six months, I will inevitably hate my job and want to move on and will have to go through all of this again. No, thanks! So, I am looking for positions in companies and industries I would actually enjoy working in for a while. That means either in a company with growth potential or in a creative industry that can give me tools I can take with me to go out on my own later. The other option is to get any old job and prepare to go back to school in a year, but that would mean figuring out what I want to study. Oofta.
Okay, enough of that. On to pleasanter things like SATC. This episode deals with the subject of evolution and raises the following questions: Are women evolving beyond needing men? Do we no longer need relationships? What about the phenomenon of the gay straight man? How does a relationship evolve, and how do we progress beyond past relationships? How do each of us evolve on our own? Last but not least is the question Carrie asks Big, "What is the ideal living situation for two people in a relationship?"
Those are a lot of questions. Thankfully for us all, I'm not going to talk about them all. First synopsis. Carrie tries leaving personal items at Big's, but he doesn't get the hint and returns them to her. She talks to him about it, telling him the reasons why a woman needs a hairdryer, tampons, etc. Though he's charmingly clueless, he says he prefers to keep things separate. Later, a distraught Carrie finds a picture of the two of them nestled in one of his drawers and realizes she has nothing to worry about. But for good measure, she leaves a thong. Samantha runs into the only man who ever broke her heart. Convinced she's over him, she decides to get revenge. She plans to flirt with him and leave him at the last minute, as he did to her. However, she falls for him again, and again he leaves her for another woman. Charlotte mistakes a straight friend for gay. After he pursues her, she realizes her mistake. They date, but she ends it, deciding that his feminine side may just be as developed as hers. Finally, Miranda discovers that she has a lazy ovary and that her chances for motherhood my slowly be disappearing. Desperate, she starts hormones and gives a old suitor a chance, only to find out he's a misogynist asshole. She stops the hormones and renews her faith in natural romance.
I love the question about how we each evolve from one relationship to the next, especially in light of what has been going on in my love life the past few days. Assuming we all have defining characteristics (good and bad) and carry these over from one relationship to the next, do we really individually evolve? If so, how?
Over the past few months, it has become clear to me that Hank's issue (maybe his only one) is jealousy. I will tell the tale of last night. Coming home from the coffee shop, I entered the house in a dress and tights. I rarely wear dresses. In fact, the only reason I was doing so, dear reader, is for a very feminine personal issue that makes it very uncomfortable to wear jeans. Maybe you get my drift. Our extremely boring and heated conversation went something like this. Hank said, "Nice tights." I said, "Thanks." He said, "Why did you get dressed up to go out?" I said, "None of your business, jerk." No, what I actually said was, "I didn't. I just got dressed." He said, "Those tights are kind of provocative, don't you think? Who are you impressing?" It deteriorated from there.
Two hours later, after me saying in the heat of battle that I would really enjoy my own place at that moment just to get away from him (advice: don't do this), he confessed to me that he had had the same fight in all of his past relationships. He knew it was his fault. He didn't trust women to not be flirting with other guys, and he got extremely jealous at the thought of men looking at me. In fact, he said, it was a big reason why his last girlfriend broke up with him. He also said that with me it was a lot less of an issue, because he trusted me. Even though his jealous feelings got the better of him sometimes, he knew it was stupid. It was more just a habit.
For some reason, this disclosure disarmed me and made me feel really compassionate for him. At least he was admitting his issue. Lord knows, I had my own. I got to thinking about my history. In every relationship I'd been in, I dramatized things to the point where the other person just got tired or angry. I analyzed every minutia of every facet of the relationship--what he said two weeks ago and what his actions meant--and often dragged the other person into analyzing it with me. I've also always been super defensive. I think it all comes down to a fear of abandonment, and I'm pretty sure both guys who broke up with me did so for a reason related to these issue.
There are many times when Hank wants to stop talking about something, but I won't let it go. There are many times he says something benign, and I take it really personally and attack him. I can fight really unfairly--like the wounded animal caught in the hunter's trap, lashing out at everything that comes to try save it. The thing that saves us, though, is that I trust him completely, as he trusts me. Eventually, in every fight, I realize that what I'm freaking out about is nothing, even if I'm going on and on about it. But I won't pretend I'm easy to live with in those moments, and Hank never talks about wishing he had his own place.
So, maybe we all have behavioral baggage--ways we've learned to deal with the world that we bring into each relationship. Maybe they have to do with our childhood or past relationships or even genetics. Maybe it doesn't matter where they come from. Probably, like Samantha with her ex, we're all doomed to repeat ourselves to some degree. But we evolve, too. After we see our default actions aren't getting us anywhere, we slowly shift our perspectives and see the new situation for what it is. Then, we conform to the reality. Like Mr. Big, we learn to trust again and try, timidly at first, later with more certainty, to follow our hearts instead of our old patterns and assumptions. Good luck to us all. It's a noble and worthwhile endeavor, for sure. And my answer to Carrie's question? Together, in good times and bad.
I hope you'll be back. I will.
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