Day 21: Changing It Up

Okay, here's the deal. We are going hiking for the day, and I have exactly twenty minutes to write this. Since I'm on such a tight schedule with getting this SATC project done, I have to post today. We won't get back in time tonight to do it then. Don't know if I said this before, but I am a perfectionist of the worst kind. I often sit and think about things--what I'll do, what to wear, what if _____--that it takes over my life. The actual act or event lasts for ten minutes, but so much thinking has gone into how to make it just perfect, that by the time it's over I'm exhausted. So, a blog in under twenty minutes scares the crap out of me. But here goes.

They often say that when you're getting dressed, accessorize completely and then give up one accessory before you walk out the door. It's a good adage for those of us who want to look put together but not like we're in costume or trying too hard. But I think this rule goes out the window when you're dressing for the beach. I mean, I could go on and on with this outfit--a cute hair tie, a hat, a beach umbrella, a sweater/jacket, more bracelets, a necklace, etc. Anything to make it more fun. Heck, it's a vacation, people! Since we're braking some "rules" here, we'll call this one, "My Way or the Beach." This ensemble also serves as a nice change from thoughts of winter and a pleasant antidote to January's staying power.

"The only things you can work with are hair and wardrobe, and even then, it's a constant battle." Samantha

"Physical violence is never the answer." Mr. Big

Our next episode deals with the idea of changing our partners and ourselves. Assuming we can never love everything about a person, how can we learn to, as the famous Irish (I think) saying goes, change what we can and accept the things we cannot change? Should we focus more on adjusting ourselves in order to jive better with our mates? Should we speak up? Should we move on?

Carrie and Big have been together for a while now (the second time), and they're starting to have some snags. Carrie notices that Big glances when pretty women walk by. He has also never stayed the night at her house. These things start to drive her crazy, but she refrains from telling him. After he tosses in his sleep one night and ends up pushing her off of the bed, she punches him in the eye. All the pent-up frustrations come out, and the two of them eventually come to an understanding. He will sleep over sometimes on one condition: that she stops eating oranges in his bed, dirtying his 1000-count sheets.

Samantha meets one of her exes at drag queen bingo. Actually, he's one of the drag queens. What's more, he's wearing a blond wig, going by the name Samantha, and his transformation started right after they dated. Samantha doesn't know if this kind of change is flattery or her worst nightmare. Charlotte dates her first uncircumcised man and finds that it's a huge turnoff for her. The man, having gotten this reaction from women his whole life, decides to finally have the procedure done at age 35 (ouch). Charlotte's elated until she finds out that he wants to "share" his penis rebirth with the world, one one-night-stand at a time. Miranda and Steve are doing well, except that their schedules are all off. Steve, a bartender, has energy at 2am, while Miranda gets up at 6am. They fight; they make-up; they decide that dealing with their differences is far superior to not being together.

I'm not going to talk about wanting to change things about our partners. I don't like the idea of wanting to change someone you love. I think that if you love a person and he/she loves you, the little changes (for example, not eating oranges in bed) will feel like compromises. Compromise is hard, but it's just part of the game of relationships. As far as the big changes go (for example, changing religions or getting off of drugs), it's really tricky--both morally and practically. I know couples who have changed their partners in fundamental ways for the better. Sometimes you need a little push from love to make you take your life in healthier directions. I understand that. But I don't think it's the norm nor should it be. It seems better to start to be with someone, because you like him for who he is. If your partner (or you) makes a big change, it should not really be one person changing another but the person wanting to change. If you're trying to change something big, I wonder if you're not just setting yourself (and your partner) up for disappointment. Well, there's my 25 cents-worth of psychology.

I'm going to talk more about Samantha's quote, because it's more fun. When she states that you can change a man's hair and clothes, but you can't change what's underneath them, Hank and I both looked at each other and smiled. Just then, he happened to be sporting two shirts, jeans, and shoes that I had bought for or with him AND a haircut (buzzed) that I had suggested due to his lack of hair in a particular spot of the back of his head (I am refraining from saying the dreaded b-word).

These changes were not conscious on my part. When I met Hank, I didn't think his clothes and hair were awful at all. As a matter of fact, I thought he was really hot. But as we cleaned out his closet before we moved, I noticed a trend of oversized college sweatshirts, socks and jeans with holes, tennis shoes, and ski coats. He said he'd been frustrated with his closet for a while and asked me to help him get rid of the unnecessary. So I did. What girl could resist that request? I must say (because it's true, and because he'll kill me if I don't) that he had some great quality clothing from his parent's formal wear store--a couple of suits and suit pants, a lot of blue dress shirts (and I do mean a lot), and a sport coat. We kept all of them and just bought some basic tees and button ups from Target, a couple pairs of dark wash jeans, a few non-blue dress shirts, and some nice leather shoes. Overall, it was quite painless. If Hank didn't like something I suggested, he made no mistake about telling me.

As far as the hair goes, he had always worn his hair buzzed in grade school. Then a girl told him he should grow it out, because it didn't look that good. Bitch. So he'd kept it long ever since. Every time someone brought up "hair," Hank would get self conscious and run to the bathroom. No, that's not true. But he usually would make some joke about himself. One day, in the hopes of restoring my guy's hair pride, I did some research about men with his predicament. The verdict was in: buzzed (as short as possible) was the way to go. I sent him the articles, the pictures (I figured who wouldn't want to look like Jason Bateman?), and the different possibilities. At first, he was wary. What if it looked crappy? But he did it, and it looks great. He says he always liked it buzzed better anyway.

These are changes neither of us cared about, but it was funny nonetheless. I guess if you're with someone for any amount of time, how can you not change? Look at me. I now listen to heavy metal music on occasion and tolerate it, something I thought was impossible before I met Hank. And I even know something about the football season this year.

They do say that most relationships deteriorate over small stuff. Whether or not he puts his own clothes away or does the dishes can end up being bigger than whether he wants kids. But in the end, maybe it's like Miranda and Steve. Part of the test (and fun) is figuring out how to work things out. Together. Despite the differences and despite the changes.

Hope you'll be back. I will.