Day 18: The Cheater Meter

“Just Put a Sweater On It (Or Don’t).” Wear this sheer dress ensemble for shopping or a lunch date during the day. For night, replace the hobo bag with a clutch, and sub a fancier shrug or light summer jacket for the sweater--or just ditch the sweater. I love the theory of mono-color ensembles. Don't try to match exactly. The idea is to keep the main pieces a single hue or shades of that hue, and make accessories simple and neutral. It’s such a nice thing to look at. As opposed to contrasting-color ensembles, which keep the eye from getting bored, single-color groupings give the eye a chance to relax. Both serve their purpose.

Well, I'm back up and running in Denver. Montana has its good points, but consistent internet (well, communication service in general) isn't one of them. And now that I've restarted this blog, it should be clear sailing until the end of this episode-watching journey. I'm feeling time pressure. Hank and I went to see the movie Sherlock Holmes yesterday, and I saw a poster for Sex and the City 2. It reminded me that May is not far off, and I've got 76 episodes and a movie to get through before then. With about 16 weeks to go before the premier, that means I need to blog about 4-5 episodes a week. Eek. Better get moving.

When we last left the girls, they were discussing cheating--what it means to cheat and whether or not one sex is more prone to crossing the line.

Synopsis of the episode's events. Charlotte's new boyfriend kisses a model and doesn't think he did anything wrong. He was just being "sympathetic." Charlotte ditches him and, in an effort to forget men altogether, starts hanging out with the lesbian elite of NYC. They eventually figure out she's not gay and let her go, somewhat like she was cheating on them with the entire male population. Samantha has a fling with her trainer, who makes his mark by shaving her hair down there. She later finds out she's not the only one with lightning-bolt grooming. Miranda starts seeing a guy who's addicted to porn and turns it on during their escapades. Every time Miranda and he have sex, she says it's like he's cheating on the video models with her, which turns him on. Carrie starts having a secret affair with Big--secret because she keeps it from the gals. In a way, then, she's cheating on her best friends.

Okay. Now cheating theories. Samantha, rarely committed to anyone, fully condones cheating (well, is it really cheating if you were never committed?). Her theory is that if men can do it (and they will), why can't women? In Charlotte's world, date two signifies exclusivity. At that point, both people should be completely committed to each other--at least until one of them officially breaks it off. That may be at the end of date two. Miranda thinks men are scum and fully expects them to cheat at any opportunity. Consequently, she often keeps her relationships casual and open, so she won't get hurt. Carrie wants the perfect man, who will never want anyone but her. But she isn't straightforward about her expectations. Hence, when she found out a few episodes back that Big was seeing other people, she was devastated.

At one point, the Samantha's trainer says something poignant. "Everyone cheats." Is it true? Even if you don't commit the basic acts of cheating--let's generally say everything from holding hands to sex--what about the smaller things? What about flirting with the bartender or talking with an ex via Facebook? What about hanging out alone with someone of the opposite sex who isn't your boyfriend/husband? How about withholding certain details from your friends or significant other out of embarrassment. Or what of that thought that runs through your head when a cute guy/gal walks by? After the obvious, where, exactly, is the line? And what is just human nature?

As someone who has both cheated and been cheated on (and been on one end or the other of almost every situation described above), my philosophy is this: if you're looking for a way out, you should probably get out. And you know if you're looking for a way out. I don't think we all cheat. But a lot of us do or at least have. I also think women cheat as often as men. I have found that the happier I am with myself and my relationship, the least likely I am to think about anyone other than my partner. But I haven't always been happy, and sometime it's hard to know what is benign and what's not and what to do about it.

In my relationship with Travis, I couldn't stop having sexual dreams about a certain married professor. This went on for over a year and became all-consuming. Every time Travis and I had sex, my professor's face would appear. The more I pushed it away, the stronger it became. Nothing ever happened with my teacher outside of my fantasies, but I still considered myself cheating. I enjoyed my imaginative journeys. I wasn't being true to the relationship I was in, and I probably should have ended it right then--especially since the union eventually terminated because I got drunk and slept with a total stranger. Not a proud moment, but I've already talked about that in another post. But it does raise the question, Is fantasizing a sort of gateway drug to larger forms of cheating? Is it possible to stop these smaller forms of cheating before they get out of control, or is the real test in never acting on it? Can we help what we fantasize about?

I don't fantasize about anyone but Hank. Seriously. I'm lucky, because I love him and am also so attracted to him. But I have had a few make-out dreams about handsome strangers. On the one hand, I figure there's no harm in something I can't even control. On the other, I feel ashamed telling Hank about the dreams when he asks--especially since he says that since we've been together, he only dreams of me. Before that, he only dreamt of whichever girlfriend he was with at the time. I believe him. And I feel like scum. I know there are far worse infringements. I know that I can't really control my subconscious. But I don't want to hurt Hank, not even for something as small as a dream.

I suppose all couples are different--and all people are different. Each individual likely has a widely varying standard of what is normal, okay, and immoral. I am more adventurous and creative than Hank and have a strong imagination, and maybe that accounts for the occasional sexy-stranger dream. Who knows? He says he's okay with the dreams, and I have to believe him. He certainly doesn't think they constitute cheating, and neither do I. I don't like having them or telling him about them, but I have to accept myself too. If they ever turned into fantasies, I would let him know and we could figure out how to get tuned back into each other. But I hope that doesn't happen.

In the end, the only agreement of cheating theories needs to be between the two people in the relationship. I believe two things about cheating. If deep love and attraction is there between two people, the desire to cheat will probably disappear. That, and if it feels like cheating, it probably is.

Hope you'll be back. I will.