Day 75: A Year (or Nine) in the Life

If you can believe it, this easy, breezy maxi dress is by the same designer as the last two ultra-glam numbers. The great thing about this type of dress is that it really is all you need. You don't need a coat, a belt, or fancy jewelry. The idea is to be and look as casual as possible. Keep shoes flat and strappy. Keep the bag casual and roomy like the dress. (Nothing does that quite like a beach tote.) Gotta have shades, as the assumption is that your going out into the sun. And maybe add one light accessory. I chose this bracelet for its natural, carefree feel. And if you happen to live by a beach, always, always carry (or, even better, wear) a bikini. Voila, the maxi dress outfit is complete. We'll call it, "Maxi-ed Out."

Okay, if you thought the last couple of episodes seemed rather intense for the four gals, you're in for even more. Carrie introduces her friends to the Russian, and the reception isn't what she hoped. Her boyfriend's intensity and desire to talk only about 'deep' subject matters conflicts with the chatty and often vulgar girl talk of her friends. But despite this, when the man asks her to ditch her New York life for a new one in Paris with him (or rather pressures her to go, since he says they'll have to break up otherwise), she says yes. She quits her writing job, tells her friends she's moving, and has a big blowout with Miranda, who thinks it's all a big mistake.

Charlotte decides to put Elizabeth Taylor, her new King Charles Spaniel, into a dog show and wins first prize. After they go to a dog park to celebrate, the in-heat female copulates with 8 or so males and ends up pregnant. Some months later, three more puppies enter Charlotte's life. Samantha beats rumors that Smith is gay by circulating a video of them having hot sex over the internet and around the city. Miranda is having to get used to life in Brooklyn, which includes a bout of no internet and a messy house under construction. She also has a very hard time dealing with the idea of her best friend moving across an ocean for a guy she hardly knows.

Okay, there is something hilarious about these episodes--well, at least ironic. Since we have started watching SATC, Hank has always pointed out how my history is closely related to Carrie's and how similarly we feel about fashion, writing, and relationships. In fact, I think he wonders if I have made life decisions in order to be more like her. I've always gotten very defensive about this, as it always seemed ridiculous that, even if I could, I would choose to do what a fictional character would do instead of what I wanted to do. While the similarities have certainly always been there, I have always held that they're just coincidences, nothing more.

But I don't really think he has ever believed me. And, up until these episodes, I'm not even sure I fully believed myself. When he first brought up the connection, it secretly worried me. Was I really living my life according to some stupid TV show? Was I constantly, even if subconsciously, asking myself at every life junction, "WWCD (What Would Carrie Do)?" These episodes set my mind at ease. Here's why: I had never seen them before a few days ago.

But I figured something out. From 2001-2007, I had only seen the first four seasons, maybe even the first three and part of four (since the fourth didn't finish until 2002, and I only watched the series until late summer of 2001). That includes some material about Aidan (maybe Travis, Jorge, or Arnold for me), but likely not even the canceling of their engagement or Carrie's ambivalence about marriage. It certainly doesn't include the latest episodes where Carrie dates a Russian guy, which I did in 2004, and moves to another country to be with an egotistical artist, which I did two years ago when I moved to Peru to be with Billy.

In fact, Carrie's latest situation in these almost final episodes and my own during my "Billy Period" (instead of "Blue Period," though it was that, too) are so closely related, I got chills watching it. Here, apparently, is the formula we both followed:

1. Background: You are tired of dreaming about taking chances but not really taking them, and you have a fantasy relationship in mind that you're dead set on making a reality. Carrie wonders if all the examining of her relationships is causing her not to really be in them, so she decides that it's time to stop analyzing and take a huge jump into something unknown. She thinks the Russian may just be the great love she's been waiting for (expensive lifestyle, life in Paris, lots of romance, etc). Two years ago, I was tired of school and pursuing a degree I didn't know how I was going to use. I was tired of dating a man I wasn't in love with. Billy seemed so full of passion and romance, and I thought a new life with him somewhere far away from everything I knew sounded magical.

2. You date an older, foreign, egotistical artist who is serious and depressive in nature and is consistently telling you how to live your life better (aka more like he lives his). Because he believes all writers should drink espresso, the Russian buys Carrie an espresso machine, even picking it out for her, saying, "I think this one is you." He refuses to let her "spoil" the espresso by adding milk. He also gets angry at Carrie for interrupting him while working to introduce her friends and cancels a dinner date because he's consumed with work.

When I was dating Billy, he would tell me what to order for breakfast and how not to cook things (yes, while standing over me in the kitchen). He wouldn't let me enter his studio while he was painting and often didn't show his face for long stretches when he was working on something "very important." If I tried to interact with him, he got angry and said I didn't respect his work enough.

3. Such man disapproves of your friends (or family) and doesn't want you to be closer to them then you are to him. Russian makes no effort to laugh at any of the gals' jokes at dinner and makes their spouses feel stupid. He doesn't understand when Carrie tells him she can't just leave her life in New York. He tells her to take a chance on a new life with him. Before I moved to Peru, Billy told me daily to forget my friends and family in the States and think of myself as having a new life with him. He even wrote a poem about stealing me away to his "world."

4. Such man expects you to live your life around his desires, no matter how many of your own you have to sacrifice. Russian refuses to stay in New York for Carrie and says they'll have to break up if she doesn't move. He encourages her art (writing), but he doesn't suggest ways she can continue it in her new life with him. He doesn't even recognize that she might miss her work. She learns French for him.

Peruvian said he couldn't come to the U.S. for visa reasons (which may or may not have been true, though I'll assume it was). If we were going to be together, I would have to move for him, giving up school and responsibilities here. While there, he encouraged my art (music) and coordinated a place for me to practice, but he didn't think about the professional aspect I was giving up (performing in ensembles, earning a degree, taking classes) in the States and didn't suggest ways to keep that up in Peru. I learned Spanish for him.

5. Such man doesn't want more children, because he already has a girl from a much earlier relationship. Enough said.

6. Friends revolt, but you're so deep into his world you can't understand why they're not all rejoicing for you. Miranda tells Carrie that she's living in a fantasy and doesn't know why she's giving up her great life to lead his life instead. Carrie counters with anger, screaming that Miranda only wants her to stay for selfish reasons and doesn't want her to be happy and move on in life. Before leaving for Peru, my sister said to me nearly exactly what Miranda said to Carrie. I replied almost exactly the way Carrie did.

7. You feel scared, wondering if the two of you even have enough in common, but decide (more out of stubbornness) to just go with it and change your life. Carrie wonders if she has anything in common with the Russian besides their relationship. He doesn't talk to her about his work, and she doesn't even understand his English much of the time. They don't enjoy the same activities or even have similar values (at least they've never discussed values). She decides companionship, adventure, and passion together could make up for their differences, and the differences would at least keep things exciting. She wonders if she even needs to have children.

When I met Billy, I knew nothing about visual art, except for what I intuitively liked and didn't. We didn't speak the same language; he had to talk to me in broken English and I talked to him in my very elementary Spanish. Not only did we not have the same values, ours were opposing. We felt passion for each other and novelty, and we both thought that would be enough. I tried to resign myself to the idea of not ever having kids.

8. After two months of dating, man promises you the world (at least in the beginning for me). You take it.

Okay, you get the idea. Maybe you got it long ago. I realize I'm not the fictional Carrie (or even Candice Bushnell, her creator and prototype), and she isn't me. We have very different backgrounds and lives. But our situations in these episodes (and some others) are so freakishly comparable that I really don't know what to say. True, the Russian is a sweeter man. In general, he treats Carrie like a queen. Billy was a complete jerk. But the order of events is the same. If I had seen the rest of the show before living the last six years of my life, maybe I would be embarrassed. As it is, I'm just a little bothered. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for our congruent life choices--maybe we're both adrenalin junkies, possess highly analytical minds, or have simply watched too many romantic comedies in our lifetimes--but right now, I've got no definitive answer.

The other part of all this is the conclusion that Carrie comes to before making the decision to move. She is tired of analyzing her relationships and wondering what to do. I'm getting to that point, too. I've been doing it for a long time, even if only in blog form for the last eight months. But is there ever a good point to stop, and, if so, how do you do it? The questions and issues in relationships don't just go away or die down long enough to give you peace, especially some of the big ones like the one Carrie asks most recently ("Do people need to share passions outside of the relationship for it to work?") They're big inquiries with no easy answers.

Maybe in order to have a peaceful, long-term love affair, the person with an analytical mind (me and yes, maybe the character of Carrie) has to retrain herself. This person has to learn to ignore the things that don't work and focus on the things that do. Ignore the doubts (at least to a large degree) and go forward confidently. Focus on the positive, even, and see the good in your partner and what he or she has to offer. Or this person can be alone. Sometimes I really think it comes down to those two options. Because I'm not sure there is a relationship under the sun that won't be riddled with paradoxes and problems, drama and questions. Relationships are made up of two people, after all, and has any single person been without these things? There isn't a logical reason they would they go away when there are two people.

And maybe that's Carrie's point. In the end, every relationship takes a leap of faith--faith that the good will outweigh the bad. At some point, a person's gotta jump. It might as well be now.

I hope you'll be back. I will. Sadly for me, not for long.