In case anyone thought I was kidding about these being all-purpose jeans, here they all in all their versatile glory--standing in for a suit pant. Since the tank will cover up the top of the jean, it is likely that no one would even notice it isn't just a skinny trouser. These jeans are like the person who wasn't invited to the A-list party but snuck past security. We'll call this outfit, "Taking the High Road (Off Guard)."
In the next two episodes, the women all become psychotic. No, not really. But you would think so. Carrie realizes she loves Burger. They have it all going for them--the same careers, the same food interests, etc. When Burger lets on that he's still angry about his last girlfriend, Carrie shares her war stories in a bonding moment. Then, however, they hit a bump. Burger's book comes out, and though Carrie thinks it's marvelous, she mentions a small flaw and Burger backs away. Carrie eventually reels him back in. Miranda goes on a good date but wonders if the man will call. Burger tells her that if he didn't go up to her apartment that night, then "he's just not that into her." Miranda decides to share the revelation with random women on the street. Samantha and new lover Jerry immerse themselves in a world of sexual role play. After a few weeks, Jerry finally gets addicted Samantha to have a conversation about their real lives. Charlotte officially becomes a jew and cooks Harry their first holiday dinner. When Harry turns the TV on to watch sports, Charlotte flips out and begins screaming at him about why he hasn't set a date for a wedding. She reasons that he'll clearly never find anyone as good as she. He moves out.
Unfortunately, there's only one thing for me to talk about here and that's my own history with being obsessed with getting married. These are the moments when I can really relate to Charlotte, as nutso as she seems in this episode. But first, I must point out two things. The first is that I think Burger is a big baby. Learn to take some healthy criticism, man. Second, Hank and I realized while watching that the movie He's Just Not That Into You must have stemmed from one of these episodes. I later learned from a friend that the man who wrote that book did indeed write for SATC's sixth season. It all made perfect sense.
Okay, let me state one of the biggest paradoxes of my life. I am terrified of marriage, but I have forced the issue on almost all of my boyfriends. I don't get this about myself at all. If I say I'm afraid of marriage (and, believe me, those anxious feelings are strong), then why have I brought it up so much and pushed men to give me an answer about marriage well before any logic would dictate? I'll talk about rings and then say I never want to get married. I'll ask them to plan a future, and then, when they do, I back out. It's crazy.
Let me just say I wasn't always this neurotic. My first few relationships were somewhat normal. I was always an intense person, so I felt love intensely and often, but I wasn't hot and cold. I generally went after people who were interested in me and didn't worry about those who weren't. I didn't stalk people or call them obsessively, but I did write extremely romantic poetry at age ten. And I did always think the person I was with was the person I would eventually marry.
Then came Arnold (when I was 20). He made my intensity seem like nothing. He swore his love within days and asking for my hand within weeks. I went along with it all, thinking that we were meant for each other, even if I had misgivings about how healthy we were together. When that relationship fizzled out and I met the Russian guy, I thought the passion I felt for him was what I had been waiting for and told him so. The day before I was going to meet his family, he broke things off. Apparently I had pushed too hard too soon.
Then I met Travis, who was slow and steady, a good balance to my head-over-heels approach to relationships. He decided early on that he wanted to marry me. I wasn't so sure, but it didn't matter. I convinced myself that he was the one and that it would just take time for me to be ready. We still talked about kids and careers, as if it would all happen eventually together. Still, I feared the day when he would pop the question. When I started lusting after my married piano professor, I began to imagine the guy divorcing his wife and marrying me. That was when I knew I wasn't in love enough with Travis to marry him.
When I eventually left him for Billy, the Peruvian artist, I again thought I had found "The One" (giving up, quite fickly, on the piano professor). Billy and I had a melancholic connection. I thought he needed me. So I told him that I thought I should move down there and that we should get married as soon as possible. He was up for it (I was a pretty American girl after all), though it took me a while to realize he didn't love me at all. But by that time, I had told everyone, partly in order to justify my crazy move to a third world country, that I had met my soul mate. Saying goodbye to yet another dream of happily ever after was probably the most difficult part of our breakup.
Then, I met Jorge. He hadn't had many relationships and didn't really care about marriage. But I told him I wanted to get married in order for us to live together in the States. He capitulated and bought me a ring. We had been together for two three months. A year later, I canceled our engagement.
The months after that I spent trying to have non-serious relationships (yes, I had to try). I would go out drinking with friends and deliberately hook up with someone random. Up until that point I had never had a one night stand. I wanted to see if I was capable. After two experiences, I gave up. With the first guy, we saw each other again and talked on the phone a few times, but he said I seemed "too eager" to get into another couple. When I stopped calling, he started sending me nasty facebook messages. In the end, I had to block his account.
The second guy I picked up from a bar was cute, but I was so disappointed from the last encounter (and so inebriated) that I cried the entire night. He kept trying to say sexual things to get me in the mood, but I was a wreck. I had never had sex just to have sex, and it seemed heartbreaking to me. The next day, he said he wanted to see me again, but I said no.
Then I reconnected with Brad. Though we both initially jumped in head first, thinking we had re-found something great with each other, it soon went sour. We had both been in bad breakups that year and had loads of baggage. This time, it was the night before he was going to meet my parents again that he broke it off, saying he wasn't ready for a serious, possibly marriage-headed relationship again so soon. He said I shouldn't wait for him.
Two months later I met Hank, and I refused to talk about marriage the first week. Of course I failed. Of course, we decided within the first month together that I would move with him to Denver. Of course, I fell in love fast. But I have never felt rushed with him, and, as far as I know, he hasn't felt rushed by me. I don't worry about marrying him. I don't (for once) think about it that much. Life and our daily relationship keeps my mind and body busy enough.
My cousin once said to me that I was the type of person who should date someone at least a year before getting engaged to them, just so I could be sure. At the time, it seemed like a long time. I was on the three-month plan. Now that Hank and I have been dating for over a year, I am surprised at how quickly the time has gone without me obsessing over the marriage question. I know I'm the same person, but something is a bit different. I feel more peaceful. And yet, still quite in love. I'm not sure I knew that was possible but am so glad to find out it is.
I hope you'll be back. I will.
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