Day 8: Threesomes

This is an exercise I like to call "An outfit a day keeps the blues away." Here's my first ensemble; we'll call it "Night at Bolero," because that's obviously so much more interesting than "Night at the Opera." All of the pieces are pulled from a mix of websites--modcloth.com (Thanks, B!), Aldo, Neiman Marcus, Victoria's Secret, etc., and that's just the beginning. What's more, nothing--except for a pair of shoes here and there--is over $200. When putting things together, I imagine I am Cher on Clueless and have a virtual closet at my fingertips. Of course, these clothes don't correspond to real pieces in my closet. Nevermind. It's almost just as fun this way. Let the dreaming begin. Now threesomes....

"How well do we ever know the people we sleep with?" says Charlotte.

I like this episode. It deals with the issue of human fantasies--well humanity, period--very honestly. All of the women have different takes on the threesome. Samantha is, of course, highly experienced. Carrie's never had time to consider it amidst her relationship struggles. She can't even stand the thought of Big's exes, much less someone else in their bed. Charlotte doesn't think blow jobs are proper, but she's suddenly willing to consider a threesome to please her new boyfriend. As for Miranda, she just wants the sexual validation of being attractive enough to be asked to participate in one.

I think it's safe to say that threesomes are one of the most common human fantasies. In some parts of the world, sharing partners, adding a guest, and other sexual combinations are quite normal activities. For example, there are over 20 clubs for swingers in Montreal, Canada. About every other guy whom I've dated has either had a threesome or fantasized about it. So what's the allure?

Proponents have their theories, and so does SATC. It adds spice to a relationship. It's a fantasy, and it's healthy to explore fantasies to keep them from growing into full-blown sexual obsessions. Heck, even Socrates would contribute some argument in favor of a threesome every now and then, just as long as Eros wasn't allowed to take over the person's life. As for the show, Samantha, not inhibited by morality nor sentimentality (at least that's what she would have us believe), just does it for fun.

But are these arguments enough? Is there an underlying draw toward a threesome that expresses some deeper, unhealthy psychological desire within us all? This is Carrie's central preoccupation. By the end of the episode, she decides that the threesome is actually what keeps two people from nurturing intimacy between themselves. It provides an 'out,' a way to keep from fully putting one's heart and mind into the relationship. As she says, "The real allure of the threesome? That's easy. It's intimacy that's the bitch."

I've never had a threesome, and I never will. I consider myself a mature sexual adult and very much okay with my sexuality, desires, and fantasies in all their complexity. And a threesome has always been on an internal list of sexual escapades I think would be interesting. But that's all. Interesting. For me, a threesome is on par with sky diving and eating cow testicles. Sure, I could do them given the right circumstances. They might even be exhilarating in the moment. However, that doesn't mean I think they're good ideas.

What's more, like Carrie, I've always been in relationships. One relationship at a time has always been enough of a mystery and responsibility. Maybe if I had been single for most of my life, a manage a trois would have come up. But I wasn't, and it didn't. See, if you're in a relationship, threesomes are only okay if you're fine with the consequences, because there are always consequences. That's the part the fantasy doesn't take into account. If there is a deep love between two partners, the consequences could be disastrous. If I love someone, why would I really want to take a chance on f-ing that up? I prefer to spend energy trying to get closer to my mate. Sometimes I wish life were longer just for that.

I knew a couple once that had an open marriage. Maybe that's different than a threesome, but it's still sharing your guy or gal. One day, I was talking (okay, gossiping) with my hairdresser about the couple's lifestyle. She immediately said, "It will never last." I asked why and said that it seemed to work for them quite nicely. She said that humans aren't meant to share partners and that something was bound to happen to make the couple drift apart. For example, one of the two would meet and fall in love with someone else. Not two months later, that very thing happened. The girl left her husband for another man, one with whom she just had a "better connection." Go figure. How can you have a good connection with your partner if you're actively working to destroy it or keep it weak?

I'm not saying being curious about threesomes is bad. In fact, I think it's completely normal. After all, human sexuality is a very powerful thing, and thank heavens for that. But we have a choice about where to direct that sexuality. For me at least, I want a threesome to be something that remains an oddity. I want to wake up each morning knowing that I'm doing what I can to further my knowledge of my partner, enjoying and appreciating him for everything he is.

I hope you'll be back. I will.