Day 7: Monogamy. Marriage. Misunderstandings.

When someone announces their engagement, I always have mixed feelings. Part of me wants to give the couple a bear hug, share in the craziness of wedding plans and nerves, and buy a bunch of kitchen stuff. And part of me wants to get the hell out of there. Good luck. Bon voyage. Hope you buck the trend of divorce.

There is something about a wedding that is very scary. I'm just going to say it. Maybe that way, it will seem less scary. I think it scares Bela too, because he just growled.

Let me clarify. Monogamy is great. It seems easy to be committed to one person at a time--even more so if you really love him. It's like Carry said: "Seeing another man would be like trying to fit another outfit into an already over-stuffed suitcase." Exactly, except I always find room for another outfit. I have never understood the folks who can date multiple people with equal levels of intimacy--cuddling and kissing, sharing dreams, etc. Conversely, if they don't feel much for the people, why are they seeing them at all?

Granted I've dove in way too fast with the wrong kind of guys without acknowledging that the alert level was sitting steadily at orange. There was a depressed Russian guy. After him, an alcoholic Peruvian artist. Most recently was a fellow with a chronic wandering eye, whom I thought it would be a good idea to re-date (bad idea, surprise). He somehow managed to give off just enough affection to keep me coming back for more. Believe you me, I did not go looking for these classic Prince Charmings; they just found me. But in each instance I gave it my all. My all or nothing, that's my motto. It's gotten me into a lot of trouble, but it's also gotten me Hank.

But even with my two-feet-in-and-soaking philosophy, whenever I watch this episode (probably about 5 times now), I feel sad when I should feel happy. When Big and Carrie get together at the end (Mr. Big implies he'll "stand still" with her, which, not to be spoiler for the non-SATC-obsessed, goes awry in a big way, no pun intended), that conflicting emotion thing happens. I think it's called confusion.

Engagements bring the same sensation. One side of me wants to shout, "Hurray!" It's what the two people want, and they seem so happy in their best moments. I just know it will all work out. The other side wants to kick (some of) them and shout, "What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you see that there are some big problems here?" (Dichotomies. They are so two-faced.) And I do it with my own relationships, always have. I see the good and the bad, the love and the struggle. Love always wins. And I think it should. But it makes for a hard road. And how do you know when it's too hard? (I think all romantics should be born with the answer to this question. It's our right.) How can relationships that are right be so flawed, and how ones that are flawed be so right?

But sometimes they are, even the really good ones. When I used to read relationship books (gave them up, like a person gives up cigarettes), they would always state, "No relationship is perfect." And it's true. What's perfect anyway? However, the hardest part--why the idea of marriage and of trusting one person for the rest of your life is so scary--is that it's so very hard to tell between the good eggs and the ones that are just a little too sour, between the people who will hopefully enhance your life and the ones who will make you want to die early, even if you have to ingest fire. And probably these opposing emotions comprise every relationship. And it makes the relationship alive. Could we even enjoy the peaceful times without the conflicts, however small? Some days it seems perfect, some days a bit lacking, and others a complete disaster. Heck sometimes it's the difference between a few hours.

That's what makes me sad about this episode. There are NO ANSWERS. And I like answers. Carrie is just doing her best with the information she has and the love she feels. Been there done that. It's not a guarantee for happiness or that anything will work out, but it's the best any of us can do. That's the bitch about being in love. We can only do our best.

In non-SATC news, I had another interview yesterday. My mom sent me this article about how difficult the job market is right now. I have to say I nearly cried reading it, because it's everything I'm going through. It felt good to know I'm not alone. Thanks, Mom. I'll send you a picture of me in my McDonald's uniform soon. Just kidding (sometimes you gotta clarify).

And I have thought of a brilliant, no BRILLIANT, plan to overcome my shopping tendencies. Whenever I feel like shopping online, I'm going to browse the selection and pick out my favorite things. Then, get ready for this. Don't wet your pants, though. Instead of adding them to my "shopping bag," I am immediately going to post them here! "Wow!" you are probably saying. And I don't blame you. Would you expect any less from the History Graduate of the Year? Now I just have to figure out how to post them...and I will have created the perfect antidote to accumulating massive credit card debt (oh wait, it's too late for that).

I am going to go grocery shopping, because we have no food. Then I will take Bela for a walk. My days are like crazy busy. I barely have time to shower and get dressed, much less write on this blog. So I have to get going. But stay tuned for Carrie and the girls discussing threesomes!

Hope you'll be back. I will.